TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have One more location in which American Guys can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide everyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should really halt employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the task, replied, "You realize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a function remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the making's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what for making Trump Tower Damascus of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel the place my PTSD may have change-down company."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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